The Spotter

She could spot a reader amongst a thousand others, book in hand or not. It was all about finding the right set of eyes; ones that sought words at every waking moment. And while her peers usually found this task to be difficult, it came to her naturally. She had after all grown up around eyes similar to the ones she now hunted.

An easy tell was the way her preys revered even the most mundane of words; their hearts full at the prospect of seeing a story play out. That’s how undeniable their search was, just like hers was for them.

Scanning the open floor of the community hall, she identified her targets and mapped out which she would approach in what order. Once clear, she started towards the first, her bag filled with their source of joy.

As she neared the middle-aged man, his excitement became more and more evident. His eyes were bright, smile wide, and a look of disbelief was plastered on his face. Recalling her own experience as a first-timer at the Roxx Local Trade Exhibition, she could understand his current state of euphoria. This was easily the grandest of events that took place in their small town.

Directing her thoughts back to the task at hand, she appraised his companions – two children and a man. From what she could make out, they made a family. And unlike her own experience, they fit. While their clothes were old, they still presented as a neat and proper unit. As a bonus, they were all beaming from the thrill of being at the exhibition.

Cracking this target was going to be a piece of cake.

***

She placed her almost empty bag inside the cupboard and took account of her inventory. There were 49 books remaining from the original 200 she had ordered last month. With another week to go before the end of the exhibition, she was pretty sure she could sell them all. She quickly calculated the sum she could potentially earn by next week and smiled to herself.

It was time to text Jerry.

Usually, she never ordered books until the number in her possession dropped down to 20, but this exception was not without reason. The exhibition was too good an opportunity to not make use of. If she could sell a record number of books in the coming two weeks, she had a real shot at reaching the goal amount. The thought itself made her skin tingle with excitement. But it wasn’t time to celebrate, not yet.

She decided to cook, to both quiet her mind and her grumbling stomach. She would sit down to chart a plan after her hunger was assuaged. That was one lesson she had learnt early on; an empty stomach meant a futile brain. And she knew better than to waste time coming up with half-baked ideas.

Once her dinner was ready, she settled on the couch and flipped through the television channels before finally settling on the rerun of a popular 90’s show. She knew what doing this meant, but still decided to give in. If only to remind herself, what it was that she was trying to escape.

As expected, the attackers came armed and ready. She couldn’t exactly tell which scene was playing when it happened, but the onslaught was heavy. The smell of her freshly made mashed potatoes was fast replaced by the tang of tomato soup. The summer heat quickly faded into the background, devoured by the toasty heat from a non-existent fireplace. And when she glanced around her neat and cosy apartment, all she could see were books scattered everywhere. Their titles unclear, but their allure even more vague. She could almost see them calling out to her mother, their invisible grasp tight on her tall figure. And the adversary of the bound pages, the spectator herself, sat in the corner, forgotten. All the time wondering what made the books so special. And her mother, so weak to their charm.

A loud laughter reel came to her rescue, pulling her out of the depths. She glanced around in a daze, taking in her surroundings. The plate was almost empty. Her stomach full. And the room mostly bare. But one thing remained; the suffocating heat from her childhood had blown into her reality. And with it, her mother’s laugh. It echoed all around her, taking up so much space that there was none left for her. She switched off the television and opened a window, letting the breeze air out the room. Standing in front of it, she counted down from 100 and waited for her breathing to return to normal.

She was finally in the endgame, there was no other option but to make it to the finish line, and soon.

***

Over the last couple of days, she had managed to sell 17 books at the exhibition, a solid number, but not good enough. She knew the weekend was around the corner and sales would be better then, but she wanted a head start. Going over her list of repeat clients, she zeroed in on one. Targeting him would mean cutting short her time at the exhibition, but if her plan worked, it would also mean more sales. It was a risk, but one worth taking. So, she decided to make that extra stop.

She parked the car outside the building and went over her pitch. Once she was sure that she knew all the points by heart, she went inside, collected the security pass from the receptionist and made her way through the narrow corridor of the public school.

Upon reaching the library, she peeked inside from the half-open door. It was in an unusual state – empty. Even the solitary guardian of the books was, surprisingly, nowhere to be seen.

“Tripathi, you there?”

A deep voice responded, “I’ll be out in two. You can take a seat.”

She looked around. It was her first time seeing the library without human inhabitants, it made the setting even more eery. She thought about entering, but her legs refused to move. The wooden furniture in the room, that seconds ago had appeared to be inviting, were now beginning to look a lot like firewood; eager to burn. Suddenly, her skin started getting hotter and hotter and her breath got stuck in her throat. Instinctively, she took a step back. Yep, going in there was not an option. Not today.

She gathered herself and called out from the doorway, “I’ll wait in the cafeteria. You can take your time.”

With that, she turned around and left. Not giving him a chance to change her mind.

It took Tripathi more than 20 minutes to join her. That gave her a chance to come back to her neutral state. But that didn’t mean that his delay didn’t annoy her. Time was of essence here and she needed to wrap things fast.

By the time he joined her, her coffee had gotten cold. And like his usual rude self, he didn’t make any effort to apologize.

“So, what brings you here? Thought I wouldn’t see you until the exhibition ended.”

She motioned him to take a seat, “I had some extra time. Plus,” she laid out 5 books on the table, “I also have some gems with me that I thought best to share with you!”

He looked at her exaggerated smile and laughed, “Gems?! What’s gotten into you?”

Damn! The lost time had clearly fazed her. Dropping the façade, she got to the point. “Look, I know the school ran a donation drive last week and the library contributed. Plus, with the library being open to the community during the weekends, you must be in dire need to update your shelves. So, let’s stop pretending and get straight to business?”

Tripathi stared at her without saying anything. For most people, his scrutinizing gaze and the accompanying silence could prove to be unnerving. But having witnessed this side of Tripathi countless times before, she knew better than to break the silence.

Thankfully, it worked.

Tripathi nodded, “You’re right, sell me some books!”

***

Stepping into the store, she thought about the million times she had come here before. While all those days jumbled together to form an indistinct picture, she could still recall her first meeting with Jerry as clear as day.

It had been right after her mother’s death. She had left her own little, desolate town behind to come to this slightly lively one. At that time, she had just three things in her possession – her mother’s truck, a rucksack of clothes, and a huge carton filled with her mother’s lovers to the brim.

Stopping in front of a market area, she had dumped the carton near a dilapidated store and had driven off. Halfway to nowhere, something had made her pause. Jerry liked to say it was destiny, but she knew it was more than just one thing. Having thought back to that moment innumerable times, she had identified parts of the complex emotion she had felt that day. But till date, she didn’t know exactly what it was that had made her go back to collect the very same remains of her mother that had kept her waiting on the sidelines all her life.

Upon reaching the corner, instead of finding the carton untouched, she had found in its place a mini, makeshift bookstore. Her mother’s books were arranged neatly on a blanket, surrounded by a small group of people of all ages. And in the middle of the spread was Jerry.

She had stormed up to him, demanding an explanation and the books back. But Jerry had feigned ignorance, maintaining that they were his. Being unable to prove ownership and wanting to avoid conflict in a new town, she had wound up cracking a deal with him. The rest of the day had laid the foundation for her becoming a salesperson, one who specialized in books. Jerry had taught her the art of pairing books to people, she had showed him her talent of spotting readers. And that was that. The day had ended with both of them having earnt a good amount of money and her, in particular, having gained both a sense of self and a strange connection with her mother.

From then on, Jerry had become sort of a guardian to her, giving her a place to stay and a purpose. It was also the start of his first legitimate business. And she was his first hire. Over the course of the last 4 years, she had cemented herself as his top seller, bringing in big bucks that had allowed him to branch out to other avenues. But today was going to mark a shift; their second and only remaining deal was coming to an end, and she couldn’t wait.

***

“Do you seriously have to go through with this?”

Ignoring Jerry, she took out 3 books from her bag and placed them on the table in front of him.

“I couldn’t sell these. You can take a cut from my commission.”

Jerry sighed and brought out a cheque book from his drawer.

“Couldn’t or didn’t?” He looked up at her, suspicion painted on his face.

She shrugged and put her hand out to collect the cheque. But Jerry didn’t move.

Dropping her hand, she said, “What? I hit the goal you had set for me. As per our agreement, you have to move me on to some other product. Please don’t be childish about it.”

“Oh! I’m the one being childish?”

Her brow furrowed, “What do you mean? A deal’s a deal.”

“I’m not talking about the deal! I’m talking about you running away as if it’s going to help!” He got up from his seat and came to stand in front of her, “I’ve known you for some time now. Your visions and nightmares are not going to end just because you stop selling books!”

She shook her head, “Jerry, it’s not about that, I’m just done with books. Give me something else to sell, I’ll be good at it, I promise.”

He nodded and handed her the cheque. “I know. And you are done. I’ll assign you to something else. But I really think you need to take a breather.” He opened his wallet, pulled out a card, and forced it in her palm, “You’ve got to give yourself a chance to get better.”

She didn’t need to look at the card to know what it was, this wasn’t Jerry’s first time giving it to her. But then again, she had never been able to bring herself to actually use it, to ask for help.

She put the cheque and the card in her bag and turned to leave. Without glancing back, she muttered thanks and made her way out of the store.

She got into her car and put the key in the ignition. A minute passed and then two and then 10, but she couldn’t start the car. It dawned on her, the hope she had clung to so desperately, it had died today. Surprisingly, the revelation didn’t shock her, but acceptance was another thing. Fighting the realization, she tried to bring forth the relief and calm she had silently waited so long for, the exultation she had worked so hard for. But she couldn’t feel any of it.

As tears blurred her vision and tremors took over her body, she felt the temperature rise inside the car, higher and higher until she could hear the fire crackling, smell the burning wood, and feel her mother’s presence next to her, within reach, but worlds away.

She burst out of her car and collapsed on the ground, shaking uncontrollably. Someone ran towards her, asking her if she was okay. She couldn’t make out who it was, but the person called out someone’s name. Next thing she knew, she was led inside the building and seated on a chair. A glass of water was placed in front of her as a pair of hands gently pried open hers, which unbeknownst to her had been balled up into tight fists. As her hands relaxed, something fell to the ground. She looked down to see Jerry reaching to pick up the fallen from the floor.

It was the same card that had passed from his hands to hers, finally ready to be used.

*****