How Do You Find Your True Self Amidst Everyone Else?

Self. Self-identity. Identity. These are such simple terms, very easily defined, but almost impossible to explore for oneself.

Even for me who has a very strong sense of ‘self’, I tend to find it hard to know what that really stands for. What is my ‘true self’? Who am I?

And it gets even harder to understand, because most times, I end up understanding myself in terms of particular contexts. And in relation to other people in my life.

‘I am someone who will stand up for the underdog. Who has a strong desire to right the wrong.’ Or, ‘I am an ear-lender. Often private but very sarcastic and outspoken in close company.’

But these aren’t hardcore statements. In some situations, I get overwhelmed with the unjust nature of the world and would rather close my eyes to some problems. And with a few people, however close we get, I just don’t show them my ironic side.

So, if I am not always this person that I think I am, who am I really?

And most importantly, how do I find out who I am when surrounded by so many people with their own personalities?

Now I don’t know if this is a problem peculiar to me. Chances are not. Maybe you haven’t given it that deep a thought, or maybe you just don’t care. After all, we are who we are. But for those caught in the dilemma of understanding themselves, their true selves, without the distractions of the world and people around them, keep reading.

No, I’m not offering an answer. No solution here. Just a different perspective of looking at it.

Yes, we tend to see ourselves always with respect to something or someone. For some, their primary view of themself may be of being a sister, a father, a businessman, a philanthropist, an animal lover. Or even a nerd, geek, influencer. Whatever that terminology, it’s always in a context. Never in silos. Never without context.

But, solace came in realising this -

Finding your identity without it hinging on another is impossible. More than understanding who you are, it is important to know the role others play in making you who you are.

We are a product of a host of interactions. From unseen biological and chemical ones to the seen and lived social experiences. There is no me without these interactions. I may just have been a hollow shell if not for the people and world around me that contributed in different ingredients to fill me up. Which is also why with some people I am so private, but with others, sometimes even random strangers, I tell them my entire life story.

It is not just pointless to try and define ‘me’ without these relations, it’s outright narcissistic. It’s obnoxious of me to think I am anything without them.

But there’s another secret hidden here.

If we are what we surround ourselves with, we can also choose who we become. Know the popular adage ‘you are what you eat?’ Same applies.

Jim Rohn, who wrote The Art of Exceptional Living, famously said, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

Maybe not that number specifically, but yes, we are an average of every single interaction we have had since we were conceived. A believer would say even from before we gained inception.

So yes, we have very little control over who we are. But we do have some say in who we can be.

And that’s it. That’s all I had to understand about the process of understanding myself.

Maybe this was all gibberish. Maybe the spoken truth. Obnoxious of me to say that? Maybe.